Random thoughts (before blogs were "invented")

23nov1996 Cried so hard
Could not see
Eyes swelled shut
Could not breathe

Repeated prayer
A thousand times
LORD, I need you
Oh hear my cry

Cold, dark room
Warming light
Calm, still voice
"Everything's going to be all right."

Oh, so ***this*** is what peace of mind feels like! Thank you Lord!
01dec1998 I sent some email to a pastor asking if their church has any groups in my area. All I got was a "no." I would have thought he would have wanted to give me some more information. He doesn't even know who I am. Maybe I could start a group here, and we could have established a relationship.
08dec1998 Yesterday, I took the ACUMEN Management WorkStyles exam (http://WWW.acumen.COM/cgi-bin/newsurvey.cgi/). It said a lot of good things, but one "con" was people think I'm self-righteous and not as warm as I could be. (My ex-husband told me that a few times, so I guess it's true.) Anyway, it was bothering me, so I took the exam again today, and had NO cons at all. So, obviously, I answered some questions differently, but I wonder if they have a bug. How can someone have no cons? What's good to one person is not good to another, too.
17dec1998 I got some email today from someone who had seen my web page. They said, "I just came across your site from another link. I must say that it is quite extensive and wonderful. Please stop by and visit mine and let me know what you think." I didn't think my pages were all that great, so I was curious and visited her page, which had a huge swear word at the top. Oh now, am I supposed to be shocked? Horrified? Offended? I didn't bother writing the person back because I don't want to waste my time. I sure feel for her though; she reminds me of a young lady I once knew who was lost for about 10 years. I pray the veil will be lifted from her eyes.
05jan1999 When I was young (perhaps eight years old) I awoke in the middle of the night to a soldier sitting on my dresser. I think he was from the U.S. or British army. He was definitely handsome and thought I was a cute little girl. (I can remember back to being three years old and always being frustrated that people couldn't see the real me; they could only see my outside and didn't realize I was really "grown up" on the inside. This soldier was no exception.) I asked him if he was an angel and he said, "something like that." He wanted me to ask him questions - he wouldn't just volunteer information - and I felt like I wasn't asking the right ones. I asked him if I was going to marry when I grew up, and he showed me a vision of my marriage ceremony. I asked him if I was going to be a career woman in a big city. He showed me a vision of me in a New York City skyscraper; I was wearing a business suit and make-up, but he gave me the impression it wasn't always going to be like that. I can't remember much else except that he was given the assignment to let me know God wanted me to feel good/hopeful about my life so I could stop worrying. I also remember I wanted him to stay, or I wanted to go with him, but neither was allowed. The things he showed me actually came true. Looking back on it, I don't think I asked him if I was going to be a good disciple. I wish I had been wise enough. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted so many years.
09mar1999 Someone very close to me just wrote me a letter saying some very mean, hurtful things that made me cry. After praying about it, I wondered how I had hurt people in the past. If you're reading this and I hurt you, first I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart. Next, I would appreciate knowing how, if possible, I could ever make it up to you. Too many times there's a lack of communication that makes things get worse. Please forgive me. I would never do anything malicious on purpose.
10mar1999 Someone told me today that she saw a limo with Santa Clauses in it one Christmas in Los Angeles, and it was highly unlikely that anyone else could have seen the same thing somewhere else at a different time. So, I searched Alta Vista for +"santa claus" +limo. Guess how many matches I got? 600! WOW, that's even more than I would have guessed! Life sure is full of surprises!
14sep1999 I love making clouds disappear! No, I'm not crazy. Try it! Start with a small, wispy cloud. Do not blink. Stare at it, and think, "disappear, disappear" over and over again. Totally kewl, dude!
12aug2000 Simplistic poems, yes, but they express my feelings. Forgiveness is powerful and liberating!
My Sister
My sister told a million lies.
She thought she was clever.
She thought she was wise.

She twisted things into so many knots,
She forgot what was true
and that which was not.

Not only did she lie,
But she blamed me, too.
Her words cut like daggers.
I was unsure what to do.

Instead of meeting face to face,
She ran away again,
to start another chapter
based on more deception.

Oh, no one ever thinks they're bad.
Even Satan thinks he's right.
But he got hold of my sister,
and I pray for her with all my might.
My Other Sister
My other sister listened and believed the others' lies.
She didn't know the wool was pulled over her eyes.
She followed along like a herd of blind sheep
Never suspecting the wolf got her in too deep.

If it wasn't so sad,
I'd get really mad.
They're causing pain
with nothing to gain.

My daughters have found what it's like to have peace.
I pray night and day the same for my niece.
The Rest of My Family
The family I had growing up
had its ups and downs.
Maybe more downs than ups,
but a family nevertheless.

For a time, I ran away.
Too focused on myself.
I didn't realize what God had given me.
I've been back for 20 years now.
Maybe it's not perfect,
but we're here for a reason.
Hollywood has tried to distort
our understanding of love and growth.
There's only one book we need:
The Bible. Read it!
22nov2000 Ever since I can remember, some people have made the case that some music is evil. One lady on the radio said that anything in 4/4 time is the devil's music. Another person on the Internet said that head-banging music is evil. Still yet another claims we should not have ANY music in our worship services!

I do believe that lyrics can be evil, but music cannot. Music can be disharmonious and cause physical abnormalities (and even death), but that does not mean it's evil. If the lyrics glorify God, the song is good. If the song is only instrumental, then the song is not either good or evil. Instrumental music causes one to think and feel, and it is THOSE thoughts and feelings that are either good or evil, not the music.

Recently, too, has been the need of some to label music Christian or secular. Some secular songs please the LORD, so they are good. (Personally, I have limited myself to Christian radio stations and Christian CDs, but I do not think that people who listen to Bing Crosby, for example, at Christmas time are doing evil.)

And, the songs we listen to are no different than what we read or the movies we watch. What are we filling our minds and bodies with? If it's a rock song that praises the LORD, then I would think He would be well pleased.

I've also seen idolatry take hold. Fans screaming for dc Talk or Third Day, when they should be raising their voices to the LORD. So, we need to be watchful in our thoughts, feelings, and actions around music.

All-in-all, the conversations around this subject leave me saddened. It detracts from Him. It encourages disunity. What is important is that we focus on the LORD, and if that means sometimes using music to do it, then that is good.

Here's some links that are relevant to this subject, although I do not necessarily agree with all of them.
24nov2000 My father just gave his family a Happy Thanksgiving. Being the first to apologize for a bad circumstance with my brother-in-law required humility, integrity, and love. Reconciliation is not an easy road, but it reaps such great rewards. Thanks, Dad, for making this a truly Happy Thanksgiving.
24jun2004 I know we can make the world a better place one step at a time. I know we affect more lives than we realize and won't find out until we pass onto heaven and review our earthly life. It's just that all of my life I knew God meant me to do something great - something fantastic, that would make a huge impact. I wasted many years of my life not being with God. I had an interesting marriage, but it did not help my progress toward that goal. It took me 15 years to get my Bachelors degree. That was important for my career, but strained my marriage and my goal for global impact. I had fantastic children who I needed to mother. I cherish them and do not regret even one second of my life with them. So, now I'm older and my children are now adults who require a lot less of my time. I knew I was in a transitionary period for the last ten years. Two years ago, I helped my daughter (and myself) make a new start. The last year was my time to relax and contemplate my life. My head is now on straighter than it ever was. My heart is in the right place. My spirit is ready to soar. Here I go.....!!!!!!
25dec2004 (entered 26jul2005) What God hates is outward religious displays that don't match our hearts. What God loves is relationship and reality. He wants us to have a right relationhsip with Him, with each other, and with ourselves. He wants us to be real -- to see and admit what we truly are.
So, the Father asked His son to teach us these things so that we could understand them and be able to do them. Jesus knew the anguish and sacrifice He was going to have to go through, and came here nonetheless. He loved us enough to do this, and so today we celebrate Him -- His humility and His glory. Merry Christmas!
05feb2005 A lot of people have asked me whether drinking alcohol is a sin. I think (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/817702/posts) covers the topic pretty well.

American football is one of the worst things that was ever invented! What's worse is that people who claim to be Christian defend their right and love for the "game" stronger than they preach the Good News. Football is bad for a lot of reasons (violence, corruption, idolatry, spending millions-maybe billions-of dollars on sports instead of helping our fellow men, losing focus on Who Really Matters, etc.), but I do not need to argue my point, because I will let the facts speak for themselves.

Here are some quotes from God's "playbook":

1 Timothy 2:24-25 "And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves..."

James 3:17-18 "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace."

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Here are some quotes about American football:

[1] "The attitude that our program must be and will be tougher than anyone we face is now a trademark of our team. In the mind of a football player, one of the most rewarding moments in a game is when you hit a player so hard that he can barely get up for the next play. It is this exact emotion that our seniors have held in front of our noses and that we have strived for and will continue to pursue."

[2] "As he nears the blocker, the defensive lineman drives the heels of his hands forward and up, punching them into the armpits of the blocker. ... Keeping his back straight and the top of his helmet under the chin of the blocker, the defensive lineman drives the blocker straight into the quarterback. ... Instead of punching out with his hands, he now grabs the front of the blocker's jersey, and, using the blocker's own momentum, jerks him either to his right or left. ... Instead of slipping with the inside hand and arm, the pass rusher drives his inside forearm and hand into the rib cage of the blocker."

[3] "15 high school football players died during regular season and playoff games in 1999, according to the National Federation of State High School Associations. Another 11 athletes have died in high school games and practices since late August of this year -- and that number is expected to rise during playoffs. In addition, another 29 players this year have suffered 'catastrophic injuries' on the field, leaving them paralyzed or seriously disabled."


[1] http://www.yaleherald.com/archive/xxx/2000.12.01/sports/p28.html
Jason Lange, JE '03, a defensive tackle on the Yale football team

[2] http://www.nflhs.com/TipsDrills/features/features_03022000a_db.asp
Tips and Drills for high school football

[3] http://www.lp.org/press/archive.php?function=view&record=162
Football kills as many students as school shootings (Oct 2000)

11apr2005 When I was young, I thought I knew everything. As each day passes, I find that I know less and less.

When I was young, I thought I'd figure out who I am one day. Now I know that self-discovery is a continual process, and it is best done with other people, not in isolation. Thanks goes to Aubrey, Courtney, Erin, George, and Conor for helping me realize and enjoy this.
08may2005 The Emerald Coast on a Spring Afternoon in '05
Sun rays
piercing through the clouds,
dancing on the water,
like diamonds.

Languid waves
lapping at the sand
in late afternoon
enticing your entry,
like sirens.

Come to me,
Come in me.
Immerse yourself.
Let me envelop you.
Caress your skin.
Heal your pain.
Come to me,
Come in.
20oct2005 Wednesday morning, I woke at 6:30 AM in order to give myself plenty of time to make a job interview. We lost power, a common occurrence in North Wales. Getting washed up in freezing cold water and dressing by candlelight might sound nervewracking, but I was delighted...it was an adventure as I am not one to be daunted by annoying circumstances, making lemons from lemonade and all that. Glancing out the back window, I saw the most glorious rainbow! I love rainbows, because it reminds me of God's covenant. Hopeful. Greg raced for the camera, and good thing, because it was gone five minutes later. Simply beautiful.
20mar2007 OK, so you might think this (http://home.hiwaay.net/~jalison/index.html) is coincidence, but I don't see how this (http://home.hiwaay.net/~jalison/geom2.html) could be!
30dec2012 In all these things, there is You ...

When I brush up against
The point of no return
When life is too hard to bear
You are there
You are there

When frenzied laughter turns
into cynical sobs
And tears flow like the rain
You are there
You are there

When we need a prayer
When we need a hand
Or when a smile can't be found
You are there
You are there

We're here for each other
Yet there is only You to trust
"One can only hope"
You are here
You are here

For me
Thank You LORD
Thank You Jesus
Thank You LORD
For being here
31dec2012 So, my sister thinks I'm odd. I thought it was funny, because I think she's odd. So it reminded me that, like beauty, normalcy is in the eye of the beholder.
The Problem with Normal
23jul2013 God gives grace to the humble. What is humility? Phil. 2 calls for us to be like Christ and humble ourselves, and this is done by becoming servants to others with our abilities and not denying our abilities. One gives honor to others rather than drawing attention to one's self (pride). God hates pride because He loves people, and pride prevents people from receiving help from God. Pride eventually leads to shame, whereas humility develops wisdom and love. Read more at http://www.believers.org/believe/bel147.htm
23jun2014 I love you, I always will. I forgive you, and I forgive myself.
Lord, please give strength to this person who hurt me; Lord, please bless this person with peace.

"If you have no desire to worship the LORD, choose today whom you will worship ... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." Joshua 24:15
"Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me." Matthew 12:30
"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" John 13:35
Now that I prayed that prayer for you (at the top of this entry before the pictures), once again, I am filled with the peace of Christ (no angst, no resentment, only love), and I truly hope you find it.
Jesus alone saves. Jesus alone is Lord. Only Jesus' sacrifice can cleanse us. Only by faith are we made right before God. Justification is only by our faith and the Lord's grace--not by anything we do.
19jul2014 This Isn't Just a Necklace

It's not just a necklace.
It's not just for bling.
You really are too reckless
If you use it for such a thing.

This is my testimony for everyone to see
That my savior went through torment
Because of His love for me.

I wear this cross with pride
Cuz I am not ashamed.
I do not want to hide,
and will tell the world His name.

That Jesus was a real man
And part of the Godhead too
Who made up a divine plan
For me and for you.

This cross is not about church
Or rules that man has made.
It's all about my search
And how Christ changed me one day.

He or his angel came to me
In a moment of utter despair
I called on His name you see
And he whispered in my ear...

"Everything will be all right,"
He said, with a golden glow about.
Peace washed over me in that light
And removed from me all doubt.

I was a new creation,
And it can happen to you, too.
It has filled me with elation
And I want to share it with you.

When Christ died on the cross,
They laid Him in a tomb,
But he physically ascended to heaven
His body left the room.

So the next time that you see
This cross on its chain
Know that it's not just jewelry
And how you too can change.

He stands at the door,
And when you knock,
He will open it for sure,
And He'll be your rock.

Just call on His name
Like I did that day
You'll never be the same
And you will have the way

to Peace!
07nov2015 Now I finally see that:
You lied to me
to your family and friends
to your clergy
to your government
to yourself
And how do you feel now?
I'll love you forever, I forgive you, and I hope you wake up someday to what Love and Truth really are.
After eight years of trying to show you by example,
and proving to you that together we could conquer the darkness and spread the Lord's light,
you couldn't see past the end of your nose or realize who I really am and that
I saw ***everything***, but I'll keep shtum. You chose the low road; that's your prerogative.
Praying for you.
Jan 2016 A man shall leave his mother and a woman shall leave her home ... well, I did my part
Feb 2016 Things NOT to tell your girlfriend if you purport to love her:
I want to move away from here (then refuse a year later after things are serious).
Don't tell my priest the real story.
Don't tell the government the real story.
Don't tell my family the real story.
Don't tell your family the real story.
You're a happy clapper. You're not a *real* Christian and cannot partake in Communion (one of the commands of her Savior).
I'm just convenient for you (after she spends thousands of dollars and over 1/2 day to see you).
You're so much older than me. No one will understand.
Maybe God just wants us to be friends.
Why are you so much fatter than when I first met you?
It feels like I'm giving you the brush-off. (Nah, really!?!?)
Don't get a job here on account of me.

And most of those were just from the last month!
Your words echo on and on, leaving an imprint that not only repeats but can never be taken back. There. Now they are in black and white, where they can stay and diminish from my brain. I will not forget these words, but when I think of you, they will not be the last things I remember, because of my real, pure, Christian, true love for you. Want more confirmation? Look at Follow My Taxi.
Feb 2016 I just found a letter my mother wrote to herself. Included was my father telling their counselor that he couldn't pick up after himself because he had a psychological problem he did not want to discuss. If you ask me, I'm becoming more convinced that we all have issues, and those with love, courage, prayer, and integrity can rise above them.
10apr2016 LIAR I keep trying to get closure. I'm beginning to think closure is for the birds. Maybe I better just use this as my last full frontal reaction on the negative people who have intentionally hurt me, and lay it at the Lord's feet.
17apr2016 True Love Ah, that's better. Who should we let be in our inner circle? Certainly only those people who truly love us.

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